In my educated estimation, this country needs to dedicate less time fretting and fuming over gun control and spend more time working to bring back our much-missed and direly-needed witchcraft laws.
Burn a few witches and just watch how quickly this brave nation returns to its former glory.
Tell your sweetheart how much they mean to you with this ugly little ebook.
Available free on iTunes, GooglePlay, Barnes & Noble, and all the other tasteless places.
Instead of wasting time working towards the banning of firearms, the effeminate flora of which our government is comprised should focus on squashing the music that has been invading the airwaves and stereos across this ailing land.
Science has virtually proven that all of the crimes committed in these modern times are the result of the influence of “rock and roll.” This wicked jungle music has secured a hypnotic hold over the weak, undeveloped minds of today’s teenagers, creating snarling, disobedient fiends who swear allegiance only to the caveman beat of this shocking musical fad.
If we wish to return this country to the dignified utopia it was in times sadly past, then it is our singular duty to eradicate – at every opportunity – the savage compositions created by the lewd and unwashed ghouls of the music industry.
If bacteria and germs and the like truly sought to succeed in their efforts of world domination, rather than associate themselves with foul odors, they would exude a pleasant floral scent. Thusly, much as bees are drawn to flowers by the lovely aromatical perfume they release, humans would seek out the bacteria and whatnots.
There is a terrific laziness and lack of common sense in nature that I find distasteful.
The death knell of our nation of proper ladies and gentlemen shall, I fear, soon begin to toll. For confirmation of this sad truth, one need only stare into the lunatic eyes of the savage “pot” smoker; murderous sub-humans who gleefully slaughter any who stand in the way of their “fix,” these long-haired abominations are quickly corrupting the moral center of this once noble land.
The hippie scourge is a “flower-powered” curse upon all that is decent and good, and lest we begin a series of druggie hangings forthwith, all that good people hold dear and holy shall be lost, irretrievably, forevermore.
Despite what the insufferably liberal media would have you believe, the pinky is the most masculine finger.
Those of us who have taken the time to conduct proper scientific research understand that digitus minimus manus is no fey, extraneous appendage, but rather the most likely candidate to successfully win revenge against any villain who would kill and dismember its host (through weird and supernatural means, of course).
Neither judge a book by its cover nor a finger by its dainty appearance.
Today’s mathematic toilers should focus less on geometry, algebra, multiplication, and all their other fringe specialties and focus on something important.
I require a formula that can deduce the precise weight of various body parts.
As a gentleman of a sporting nature, I often find myself in need of a bludgeon for the purpose of self defense.
I must regretfully announce that the iPhone 5 is decidedly lackluster in performance when the need arises to render an enemy insensate.
It seems perfectly adequate in all other functions.
The world has been witness to all manner of atrocity, from world wars to genocides, nearly-unfathomable natural disasters and brazen attacks upon all we hold dear.
I can say, honestly and without an iota of exaggeration, that the darkest abomination to curse humanity, our myriad societies, and this beloved and most lovely of planets, is the Cirque du Soleil.
As the detritus of the universe continues on a mad panic, fleeing the shock of the big bang, I cannot help but occasionally consider that life on earth is as mold growing upon an aging and forgotten apple.
I find such self-indulgent thoughts immediately dispersed as I recall all of my revenges and witty retorts.
